Welcome to MYHAPS

Hi, I'm Duncan. I've lived with Health Anxiety (HA) for over 30 years. For decades, I mistook the constant worry as merely a symptom of being alive. It wasn't until my mid to late 30s that I finally understood what I was experiencing and could put a name to it. Through various coping mechanisms, lifestyle changes, educating myself about HA, and getting the right support, I've found a way to manage it. I recall a pivotal moment when I thought, "I don't have to be in a constant state of worry all the time; surely there's something I can do about this." That journey of recovery began many years ago, and I now feel comfortable enough to create a safe space for others to talk about their own experiences with HA. 

Understanding HA

For those of us living with HA, it can be frustrating how often our experience is dismissed. People who haven't been through it might think it's trivial, or that we're just "attention-seeking" or simply need to "snap out of it." They can't comprehend the obsessive, draining fear that consumes our thoughts, the compulsion to constantly check our body, or the endless hours lost to Googling symptoms. Even a doctor's reassurance offers only temporary peace, which rapidly fades the moment a new symptom emerges, sending the anxiety spiralling once more. 

This isn't merely worried; it's a physically and mentally exhausting journey down a rabbit hole of morbid thoughts. The constant fear of death, the struggle with doctor visits (or avoiding them entirely due to fear of bad news), and the meticulous self-examinations – it's a truly relentless cycle. 

How HA Impacted My Life 

Many years ago, I found myself trapped in an obsessive cycle, constantly worrying about testicular cancer. I'd check myself every few minutes, and even when I found no lumps, a horrible thought would creep in just minutes later: Maybe I missed something, or didn't check properly. The vigorous checking left me in pain.

One day, I should have been helping my wife with a shopping delivery, but instead, I crept upstairs and hid in the wardrobe so I could check myself (again!). I couldn't wait the 10-15 minutes it would have taken to put the shopping away; it was a powerful obsession, and I was too ashamed to tell her. That was one of the first times I truly knew this was a problem.

Even on relaxing spa days, I could never unwind. If a masseuse pressed the same spot a few times, I'd immediately assume they'd found a lump. I'd spend the entire massage in fight-or-flight, playing out that terrifying scenario in my head instead of relaxing. Holidays, birthdays, Christmases, house moves – landmark events I'd worked hard for, that should have been happy, were overshadowed by dark clouds of morbid thoughts and worry. It sounds dramatic, but that's exactly what my HA was like.

Going to the doctors was incredibly stressful. I couldn't cope with anything other than absolute reassurance. If a doctor sent me for further tests or simply said, "let's keep an eye on it," I'd lose my head, become overwhelmed with morbid thoughts, and couldn't function. My HA would become so severe, my entire life would grind to a halt until I got the test results or more reassurance.

When COVID-19 first emerged, I was in a relatively good place with my health anxiety (HA). That soon changed when I started hearing stories of people struggling to get doctor's appointments leading to the high risk of undiagnosed conditions. One newspaper ran with the headline ‘Cancer Timebomb’. Within weeks, I developed stomach pain. I stupidly consulted Dr. Google and immediately spiralled into a deep worry about cancer. 

I remember standing in a supermarket car park, feeling completely out of my mind with worry. I desperately needed to see a doctor about my stomach pain. I couldn't imagine functioning with this worry until an appointment came through. At one point, I even thought: The only way I can get seen quickly is to crash my car into a tree – just enough to injure me but not kill me. Then, when I’m in the ambulance, I'll complain of severe stomach pain, and they'd have to scan me when I get to A and E. I was in shock that such a thought had crossed my mind. "What on earth was I thinking? This is madness." Once the shock subsided, I felt a strange sense of relief, because that very thought made me understand with urgent clarity that tackling my HA had to become my number one focus. 

Finding a Path Forward 

After finally gaining some control over my HA, I was left with severe physical anxiety symptoms which was the result of living on edge for 30 years. It was quite a strange time because the health anxiety had subsided, but I was now faced with the damage of what decades of worry had done to my body. When the anxiety was at its worst, it felt like my entire system was shutting down. It genuinely felt like I was dying. My bones felt heavy, my blood thick and sluggish, as if it struggled to flow through my veins. Breathing no longer felt automatic; I felt like I had to manually force my inhale. My body and head would pulsate, my ears would ring, and my heart would race so violently it felt like it was smashing against my ribs. I'd feel dizzy, light-headed, completely detached from reality, and sleep felt impossible 

I still experience some of these physical anxiety symptoms from time to time, but self-care and lifestyle changes have given me a sense of control and moments of peaceful rest. Daily exercise, daily meditation, giving up alcohol and focusing on proper nutrition have brought energy, enjoyment and calm into my life after all these years. The bad days still happen but I can cope with them much better now. 

Attending the Group 

If any of this sounds familiar, if you can relate to what I've shared, or if you feel this group can help you, please feel free to come along. It's a relaxed space, with others who will understand what you're experiencing. Our group runs every other Wednesday from 7-8 PM at The Living Well Hub in Warrington.